I Still Miss You

My grandmother passed away. Left this earth less than two months after my grandfather (different sides of the family). My grandfather was 97. It wasn't unexpected. Things felt sad, sombre, but okay. My grandmother was 70. Two weeks before she died she was diagnosed with cancer. It feels unfair. I struggle with that feeling every day, and it still hurts. Thinking of her is still like picking at a scab that hasn't healed yet, and it starts bleeding memories into my mind that is overwhelming. I feel cheated. I feel wronged.

Time hasn't been able to heal this wound yet. I'm not sure how long it will take, either. I am at the point where I can share this publicly here, which is what I was able to share as part of her eulogy.

I don't have any exciting stories about grandma to share. But I do have many memories of her, and lessons that she taught me about being a better person. 

Grandma was always happy. Thinking about her, that's the thing I remember about her the most. In every situation, she always looked for the silver lining, finding the positive out of every situation and reassuring me that things would work out for the best. Seeing her beaming smile at my wedding a year and a half ago was a highlight of my life.

No matter what, she always supported me endlessly in what I was doing. She never made me feel like I was doing the wrong thing, unless of course I was misbehaving (I probably misbehaved more than she would let me know though). She made it a priority to do what I wanted to do, and she would always be there supporting me in it. She taught me a lot about love, and how to support those you love no matter what. That's something I will carry with me as an important lesson for the rest of my life. 

We spent a lot of time at their house on the farm over the years; Christmases, summers, spring breaks, I always loved being on the farm with my grandparents. I got to drive the gator around the yard as much as I wanted, pretending that I was a racecar driver. That attitude gave me a scar on my hand when I ran the gator into the shed one day. My favourite thing about being on the farm as a kid was that grandma had dessert on the table every day after supper. It was a big deal for me because we rarely got dessert at home. She loved spoiling us with that. 

They also taught me a good work ethic, always giving me jobs to do. Sure they were simple jobs, like washing the truck or mowing the lawn once I was heavy enough to not have the lawnmower shut off when I was the only one on it. Those jobs taught me a lot and helped form me into who I am today. 

The most important lesson grandma taught me was being a person that holds family close to the heart. In everything she did, family was number one. Every visit to the farm included not only visiting them, but visiting with the countless family members we have in the area. Those times created a lot of memories that will stay with me forever. Her lessons will live with me forever, and I will pass them on to my kids when I have them. 

I miss you grandma. I was blessed to have a grandmother like you. I hope I made you as proud of me as I am of you. I love you.

You were and are loved, you are and will be missed.

Reflection

Image courtesy Captive Beauty Photography

Reflecting on my grandfather's life after a great funeral service in Brandon on Tuesday. Listening to the stories told of him and his character filled me with so many emotions. His passing has brought out so many emotions in me that I never knew existed. I'm riding the roller coaster of these extremes and living in the moment of it all. I'm navigating a part of my life that is brand new, and not enjoyable, but I am sure I will be travelling this path more than once in my life.

Something my cousin said at the funeral that a trait all the cousins share is that we feel emotion deeply. Every emotion we have we feel deeply. Anger. Sadness. Joy. Sorrow. I'm feeling all of these things in so many ways and I don't know what to do with all of them. One of the most powerful emotions I have right now is pride. Pride in who my grandfather was. Pride in who he raised his kids to be. Pride in how his grandchildren have grown and turned out. Pride in my family, my heritage, and my future.

Image courtesy Captive Beauty Photography

My dad brought out some war memorabilia of my grandfather's last night at the hotel and was going through all of it, explaining what each piece was. One of the most interesting pieces was his old pay book he carried with him everywhere he went. It was basically details about everything he did, dental history, when he got each rank, courses he had taken, etc. The book was in tatters, but his writing was very clear. The story was told that he had rushed through a writing assignment in school and his teacher made him stay in from recess and lunch to redo it. From that point he vowed to never have that happen again.

This stubbornness has carried forward in my family, sometimes for the better and other times for the worse. I recognize my own stubbornness, and it can be frustrating, but there are points in my life where I would say that being stubborn has been good for me. I won't go into detail on these times, but I think I just wanted to say that there are positives and negatives to every trait that someone has. We all have our weaknesses, but those same traits are most likely strengths in other scenarios. We need to learn to find our strong points and work on our weaknesses.

Saying goodbye to my grandfather was tough, but knowing he graduated from this Earth brings me comfort. Thanks for everything, John. You have run the good race, you have fought the good fight, and you are a winner.

I'm still waiting for you to be the one I'm waiting for

I’m still waiting for
You to be the one I’m waiting for

Relient K - "The One I'm Waiting For"

I was listening to Relient K in my car on the way to work today for the first time in a long time when I found myself rocking out to this song. This song held a lot of meaning for me many years ago, and is about women (in general), but this line caught my ear more than it ever has before. It caught me in a way where I wasn't applying it to a girl in particular, but thinking more along the lines of "I think this is how a lot of people see God."

Lots of people have this attitude towards someone they are dating or wanting to marry. "I just want you to be like the person I see you as in my mind." I think this is the least mature way to approach a relationship. People are who they are, and generally do no change. Personally, do I want to become better? Yes. I want to be the best version of me on a day to day basis, and be a very consistent person. I know my faults and my weaknesses, and I try to make myself better in areas I know I am weak. When I look at my amazing wife, I don't try to make her what I want her to be, I try and encourage her to follow her dreams, and develop into the person she sees herself being. It is literally the most exciting thing about my life, watching my wife grow into this more amazing person every day.

This is the same way that we must approach our relationship with God. God is who He is, and isn't going to change. That, however, does not mean we do not have to change when we get to know Him. Getting to know God and be closer with Him means that you must change, you must abandon parts of your former self so that you can allow Him to make you the best version of yourself in His eyes. If you aren't wanting to make yourself better in His eyes, then you are not fulfilling the true purpose of your life.

If you want to attract a certain kind of partner, or friend, usually you must be a certain way. Who you are attracts certain kinds of people to you. If you want to attract a different kind of friend than you usually do, you must go through a change. When you make the choice to follow God, you have to make a change (or many changes) in your life in order to attract God to you. While He may love everyone, that does not mean that he approves of everyone

A lot of people have an attitude towards God (or religion, in general) that is exactly the line from this song. They want God to be who they see Him being in their eyes, not how He is. People want religion to line up with their pre-conceived notions or beliefs. If there is one thing I have learned in my young age, there is no such ability. God is not who we make Him out to be, but He is what He has always been.

The sign of a mature Christian is not how much they worship, or how outspoken they are. The sign of a mature Christian is how much they understand that God is not who they want Him to be, and live their life according to that understanding.

There's Times

There are some people I know who tell me I'm crazy. Tell me that getting married at 23 is a bad idea. Who told me when I was 18 and in school and said I wanted to be married before I was 25. Who say that I need to enjoy being single before I get married.

Then there are some people who when they hear how I sacrifice my time for my wife-to-be tell me I'm crazy and tell me to get her to do stuff by herself. Why would I want to make her be alone when I can be with her? Yes it interrupts my plans sometimes but relationships aren't about what I can get out of them, but what I can provide.

I learned early in life that doing things for others is so much more satisfying than doing things for yourself. I also learned, that while I am an introvert and need my time alone, life is much better lived when you're living it with someone else. Whether it be a good core group of friends or a girlfriend or a wife, life is happier and moments are happier when lived with someone else.

I was reminded of this when attending a friends wedding last week with Elena. The pastor's message was about making moments and making them good. Having good memories with each other and remembering them in the bad times. I was really moved by it and it made me think of all the good times I have had with Elena. We've been together for over 3 years at this point, but a lot of it has been long distance. The best moments were the one or two days a month I got to spend a couple days with her and we got to be with each other. Then when she moved to Edmonton for school we had to adjust from being a once-a-month couple to an everyday couple. It had it's rough points, but neither of us had endured so much long distance to just throw it away when there was a disagreement.

The biggest thing was learning how to communicate again. The first 2 months of our relationship I was in Fort Mac with her, but I was working 6 on/6 off and it had it's own set of challenges. Then we had to adjust to the once-a-month couple, which we did for about 2 years, then we had to adjust to the everyday couple. The fact we've been able to adjust and relearn how to communicate through it all has been a strength. I'm not saying we're perfect, because we're easily the furthest from it, but we both have a desire to be together. She even cancelled a trip of hers to Europe next summer so that we are able to get married next year rather than waiting til she is completely done school (something I'm probably not appreciative enough towards her for).

When our wedding bells chime, I'll be 23 and she'll be 20. We'll be starting a new chapter in our lives, when we go from an everyday couple to an all-the-time couple. It'll be another adjustment, and I definitely look forward to it. Will people still call me crazy? Probably. I can't control what other people say or think, nor do I want to. All I know is I'm happy with the choices I've made, and her saying "Yes" when I asked her to marry me made me the happiest man alive. I believe we'll succeed because we both want to. We know that good times come with the bad. We know that as long as we're willing to constantly adjust and always keep what we can do for each other rather than what we can do for ourselves at the forefront, we'll be fine. No, actually, we'll be more than fine. We'll be the happiest couple we know (no offence to other couples) because we will have each other. My heart just fills with joy thinking about the day we get married. And nobody can tell me I'm wrong or crazy, because I'm making the best choice of my life.

Surrender

Wow. What an awesome weekend. Anyone that was at YC Alberta this year knows what I'm talking about. That was absolutely amazing.

As I have for the past few years, I was volunteering at YC Alberta yet again this year. This has probably been my favourite YC ever. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a technical person (duh). I love pretty much anything that has to do with technology because that's who I am. I was working with the 'street team' as we were called this year, helping out with interviews of speakers/artists and recording video of the main sessions and a little bit of the side stages. And I got the opportunity to worship without boundaries on the Saturday night in the main session.

(just as a bit of a shout-out to Marty Berg for giving me the opportunity to volunteer and help out again, and the team I was working with was amazing, you guys rock!)

It started with Unhindered leading worship. Unreal. Literally the best worship I have ever experienced. I danced and sang my heart out. And then Tim Hughes - I'm going to be honest, I was very unsure of what to think of Tim Hughes getting a main stage spot on the Saturday night. But I walked out of there amazed and absolutely blown away. My legs were sore from dancing. I had lost my voice.

The speakers - Danielle Strickland from right here in Edmonton and David Nasser, both preached powerful messages about surrendering to God and changing the world. Absolutely spot on for what this generation needs to hear. I believe many people walked out of Rexall Place with something to think about every night and encouraged in their faith.

All in all, I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed this past weekend, no matter how sore it made me or how many energy drinks and advil it took me to get through it. I enjoyed every second and would do it every weekend if I had the chance.

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Just to add to the end of this post, I think this quote is fitting. This is from Trevor talking on the live DVD they recorded a few years back at YC.

"...We just want to thank you so very much, we love God with all of our hearts and we don't really care what anyone thinks about that. But I want to encourage you guys, real quick, I thank and I want you know this, and I believe this with all of my heart... that we have history makers in this room. And we have world changers in this room right here. Not always in some other city and not just on TV and in the movies, we got people right here in this room, you and me. And if we choose to not blend in and be liked 'I wanna make a difference in my school, in my life, in my family, wherever I am' and it's okay."

The chapter is complete

Houses have been looked at, an offer has been made and accepted. The condo docs have been looked at, the place has passed inspection, Ryan is a homeowner!

Front View

I have kept this under wraps until now because I just signed the paper to remove the conditions and will be sending it tomorrow, which is the deadline for the conditions to be removed. I take possession of this beauty of a property on May 16, 2012! I am super excited and have started looking at paint colours already. I am in full new homeowner mode, and I'm not even in the place yet! I settled on a townhouse style condo in the Casselman area of Edmonton, so I am close to the LRT and on the North side for easy access to church and able to get out of town quick and easy. I don't really know what else to say as I am super excited and almost giddy. 

Side View

There is some work to be done in the condo (I will be replacing the carpet upstairs almost immediately) but it is a clean and well taken care of place. Thanks to everyone that has given me support in this chapter of my life and while the chapter is not quite complete, I am close to writing the closing words. I am a homeowner. It feels good to say. It feels good to be accomplishing my goals for this year so early in the year and now am able to focus on working on making this townhouse my home!

Front/Side

PS - if anyone is thinking of getting me birthday gifts, Home Depot is really close and will probably be my best friend while I am doing the initial work on this place so gift cards are appreciated!

Stuff and things

Another new chapter in my life has started - on Saturday I meet with my mortgage adviser to sign the papers for my pre-approval and then I meet with my Realtor to look at properties here in Edmonton. I am very excited about this portion of my life coming up and look forward to what will happen in the future!

Mother nature is really having mood swings with Edmonton this winter, as we are getting snow dumped on us again today. I was going to take some clothes to a dry cleaner but now... not so much. Thanks Mother Nature. Nobody likes you right now. Go dump snow in Russia where it doesn't affect me.

As usual, this post isn't an update on my life. But that part up there was. Moving on from that. I've been learning the art of being patient lately. I have always been a fairly slack, understanding person, but patience has always been an issue for me. I think with my job, where I get to "hurry up and wait" a lot, I have gotten more comfortable with the whole patience aspect. Sure, I still like to get things done quickly, but I think I've become more patient with people in general. Although I am still my opinionated self. That probably will never change.

I have, however, have become less patient in a way. When people have absolutely no reason to complain and yet that's all they do, it has become incredibly frustrating for me. I'm about to make a big venture to buy my own place. Financially, my bills will increase majorly. As for stress, of course there is going to be stress. Now and in the future. People need to be more excited about their future and less concerned about what happened to them 5 minutes ago because you can't change anything that happened 5 minutes ago. You can choose how you let it affect you and how you make decisions in the future. Life goes on. Life always goes on.

Saying that you can't be worried about what happened in the past doesn't mean you can't reflect on it. The past is a learning tool. In fact, life experience is a much better learning tool than anything else. Sure, wisdom of elders is great, but it doesn't carry the same meaning as if you went through that experience yourself. If you learn from an elders wisdom - great! Good for you. I have learned some things from people older than me. I have learned a lot more going out and doing stuff on my own and making mistakes. People are so afraid of making mistakes nowadays that nobody wants to do anything anymore. That is also incredibly frustrating for me. When people sit and mope about knowing what to do and aren't willing to try anything new then I have no sympathy. Sometimes, you have to do stuff you don't like to get to where you want to be. Make goals and a plan to reach those goals. Try it. It just might work for you.

This is all the stuff I have to say for now. Hope you enjoyed.