Insomnia

Okay so heres the dealio. I don't actually have insomnia but I've been lying here the past couple hours not able to sleep. I'm not 100% of the exact reason, but its probably caused by a few things.

The first of that being anxiety for my presentation that I have to wake up for in... 6 hours. Kinda nervous, but confident after the practices I've been doing for it. Should get a good mark.

The second is stress from school. I recently just finished a project for my application programming 2 class (client-server) and had been staying late a lot of days for the past few weeks to get work on it done. I know I've completed the project, but the stress still is there from lack of a good nights sleep.

Third is I really miss my girlfriend. A lot. It sucks being away from her for long periods and it sucks having her live so far away. I went and visited her last weekend, and that was great. She made me pancakes and we watched How To Train Your Dragon, which was a surprisingly good movie. I'll be going back up soon enough for Christmas where I'll get to see her again but I just wish we could spend more time together more often.

Anyways, I'm gonna try to go sleep. Just drank a nice tall glass of milk. Probably shoulda made it chocolate milk now that I think about it. Oh well. Life goes on. Goodnight y'all.

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Changes!

Hey all! Made some changes to my website! You can check em out by clicking the linkage. Lemme know what you think.

http://ryanjosephphillips.com

Okay. So. Think I messed up my left shoulder today at soccer. I kinda hurt it when I got tripped last week but I got tackled again this week, falling on it again and I ended up sitting out the second half. Oh, and we lost. First loss I've been involved in this season though, so we're doing pretty good. Gonna play forward next game I think, try and get myself a goal or two. Had a visit from my girl last week, it was pretty fun. We made delicious brownies. Btw, they went hard and I threw them out (don't tell!). Anyways, if you haven't heard of DropBox, you need to look it up. And do so by clicking here. It is flipping sweet.

Anyways, that's my life for the past couple hours. Once again, this is Jorgio Bodiddly, signing off.

November 13th Thoughts

I don't know why I put myself in positions like this. I love God, love being in his presence, but when a retreat comes along or something I put myself into a role where I'm not in that presence of God. Its really frustrating for me, how I want to be in the presence so bad yet I bind myself to my 'duty' and can't bring myself to break out of it. I can't explain it, and I know I've come so much closer to God and He has rewarded me for my obedience. I just, I have this God given talent for all things technical, yet I've bound myself to that talent so much that... I can't allow myself out of it. Maybe I'm just meant to help others into the presence with my ability, yet I can't help but feel there's so much more for me in the presence of God and if I obey I know I will be rewarded, I just have to take that step. Step out of my box. My safety zone. It'll be hard, but its what I need. I think.

Love

Don't her eyes look cute under that light
Doesn't her hair shine so bright
Don't the curves of her body
Just make you wanna smile
And when you look her in the eyes
Letting your stare last just a bit longer
Isn't that just... perfection
doesn't it feel like... love?

When your heart skips a beat
And you cant help but smile
You just wanna run back to her
Feel her in your arms again
Missing her so much
You would run for hours to see her
See her shining face again
Isn't that just... perfection?
Doesn't it feel like... love?

Isn't she beautiful
Isn't she amazing
Isn't she everything you ever wanted
To find in a girl someday
You found her now,
Its up to you
Her beautiful eyes meet yours
And as she smiles, what can you do,
But smile, and kiss her on the forehead
She's your number one
She's your only one
And you're hoping things never change

Thoughts

I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past few hours I've been awake. Some random, some I can't talk about openly. I just feel a need to get whats on my mind out.

I've been thinking a lot about life. How short it is. How much its taken for granted. How truly special each and every persons life is. How fragile the human emotion is. It's hard, when you're in a position of leadership over youth, to really determine what your actions will actually say to those youth; what kind of example you're being. Every action is watched by somebody, and... I dunno... hard to keep my thoughts straight right now.

I've been helping a few people out emotionally. I've become attached to these people and love them like siblings and want them to be happy above all else. Unfortunately, the reality of life is that people won't be happy all the time, and I can't be the person that will be their only source of happiness. I think everyone needs a hobby. Something they do to just escape the world for a bit; their happy place. Mine happens to be video games and computers. Others may be art or drawing, playing music or sports. Really, mine is anything technical. And honestly, I'm perfectly okay with that.

Another thing I've been thinking a lot about is my future. Not even the distant future, but the next couple years. What am I going to do after I finish school next year? What am I going to do if I go back for another two years? What if my parents end up moving to another city? Would I come back to Fort Mac if my parents weren't here? It's all so complex... I have so many reasons for wanting to stay here but at the same time... I just don't know where life will take me. I have this feeling of helplessness and I really don't like it. I mean... its what I asked God for, to make me helpless... but really, the unknowingness of the future is really catching up to me right now. I don`t know what the future holds for me, and I`m scared.

Well, a few of my thoughts are out now, so I might be able to sleep. G`night. Sweet dreams.

Stuck

And here I am
Stuck in a place
I don't belong
I feel so lost
Like such a mess,
I'm such a mess

Where can I go from this place
There's nothing here to take me
To where I belong,
Which is in your arms
I'll see you in the near future
For this I know

You are a piece of me,
And I will never forget you
Or let you go
But can you please rescue me
Rescue me from where I don't belong

Save me from myself,
Save me from myself
I have nowhere to go
I am all yours

My happiness is in your hands
My sanity is in your hands
My life is in your hands
Never let me go
Don't abandon me here
In this place that I need you most

Heroes

So, as I was listening to the song 'Hero' by Superchick, yes don't judge me, I like some of their music, it got me thinking. What truly does make a hero, a hero? Can anybody be a hero? And so, the first thing I do is delve into the dictionary. The dictionary definition for hero is as follows:

he·ro   [heer-oh]
–noun, plural -roes; for 5 also -ros.
1. a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
2. a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal: He was a local hero when he saved the drowning child.
3. the principal male character in a story, play, film, etc.
4. Classical Mythology .
a. a being of godlike prowess and beneficence who often came to be honored as a divinity.
b.(in the Homeric period) a warrior-chieftain of special strength, courage, or ability.
c.(in later antiquity) an immortal being; demigod.
5. hero sandwich.
6. the bread or roll used in making a hero sandwich.

Now, of course, I'm not thinking of the sandwich kind of hero. However, I find it interesting that the first two mention heroic acts that must be done for someone to be deemed a hero. I'm also not talking about superheroes, or any classic mythology. In the song 'Hero' by Superchick, they say that "Heroes are made when you make a choice." Now, who can make a choice? Its simple, everyone makes choices, from the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep. However, its the impact of what you do that truly makes the choice a 'heroic act'. Now, even then, does this mean that every person that performs a 'heroic act' is a hero? I don't believe so, because it would be hard to define a heroic act and thus makes a hero vary from person to person.

I guess what I'm trying to say really, is a hero isn't really anyone special. Its someone who makes a choice to do something awesome that impacts someone elses life. They probably aren't regarded as heroes, but hey, nobody ever gets the credit they deserve, do they. Heroes are personal, each person has their own and they may have a number of them. Does this make each hero any less special? No. A hero to a child may be his father who scared away the gremlins from under his bed, a hero to a homeless man may be someone who actually stops and buys him a meal, a hero to a teenage girl may be her best friend that just helped her through a hard breakup. Who your heroes are don't matter, but don't take them for granted. They are what makes life for everyone so great.

Goodbye

We had our times
Our ups and our downs
Forever riding the rollercoaster of life
There came a time
Like there always does
For the ride together to end

We said our goodbyes
As I drove out of sight
But what does goodbye truly mean
It could be for now, or forever,
Or is it just an introduction to a second chance?

I know I’ll see you again
But will it be the same
They say once it’s over, it’s over
You can’t restart the ride
But nobody said you couldn’t try

However, why try to restart the ride
When you can just start a new one
And add all new twists and loops
That makes it more exciting, anyways
That makes this goodbye temporary

So goodbye, for now
I knew it had to end
But we'll meet together once again

Censorship

Isn't it great how we live in a world today without censorship?!?!?!

Wrong. We got censored, and I'm actually kinda pissed about it the more I think about it. Me and my brother got a really good idea for signs to take the Oilers/Canucks game on March 23, and we got shot down. The players were 'insulted' and PR didn't like them, so security made us get rid of them. It's absolutely ludicrous, and I can't believe it happened. The signs were not personal insults towards the players so I see no reason why they shouldn't have been allowed. They were not vulgar, degrading or anything like that. I'm seriously considering sending the Oilers an email about it to complain. Like, censorship isn't right. In fact, I think I have grounds for some form of compensation, whether its just an apology. I'll get back to you on that.

I need sleep.

Back to Fort Mac

It's official - I was gonna make it a surprise, but I gotta make another trip up to Fort Mac to fix the projection computer at MGA. Kinda sucks, but hey, I get to see everyone (kindof) again. Won't make it for youth this time, but I'm pretty stoked to be there. Also, installing and hopefully connecting two computers to the network while I'm there! Should be something new and exciting... if you can consider it exciting... I'm excited, okay! Don't make fun of me cuz I'm a techie!

On the good news, this time I'll have my new laptop (a shiny Dell Studio 1550) with all my programs to do some schoolwork if I have some time in between working at the church and hanging out with friends I haven't seen in a long time. Well... not really a LONG time... just a little bit of time. February wasn't so long ago.

The sad thing about this trip is the one person I wanna see the most will be busy almost the whole weekend and I won't have time to see them :/ which is a super bummer for me. Oh well... I should be coming home the first weekend of April for Easter so I'll get to see them then, right? Hopefully..

Anyways... I'm bored and lazy right about meow... peace out boy scout

Back in Etown

So, yesterday I made the road trip back down to Edmonton, as reading week was over and I had to come back to school today. I didn't get much of a break, as I was doing work at the church yet again but I'm somewhat okay with that. Spent some quality time with some quality people and I am going to truly miss everyone.

First day back at school was alright. Y'know. It was school. Nothing particularly exciting happening. Strangely, I'm somewhat okay with that. We have a bit of a grind to get through in the next couple weeks so I will be shutin in my room doing homework and should be writing my resume as I type this, but hey, whatever.

Something thats been laying on my heart recently has been traditionalism. I know, I made a post about how people need to be more traditional, but there needs to be this happy medium that people don't seem to realize exists. There needs to be a boundary between too strict in traditional ways, and completely forgetting about them. I like to think I was raised in that happy medium. My parents were strict, but fair. I'm proud of how I was raised, and I'm proud of my parents. I know they are truly proud of me (not that fake pride parents have in their kids just cuz they're their kids) and it makes me feel genuinely happy. I think more people need to feel that. More people need to live their lives in the happy medium. Now, everyones happy medium is different, which makes this hard to find sometimes, and my happy medium is most definitely not most peoples. However, I think life takes contemplating. You can't go through life without self reflection, which is what this blog allows me to do. I don't and won't post here much, but it allows me to get my thoughts on paper. I don't need people to read it, but if you are reading this, thank you.

That's all for now. Peace out boy scout.

Oh! No it isn't! Got my confirmation today that I'll be on the video team for YCAlberta this year. Pretty stoked. If anyone in Fort Mac wants to go with MGA but can't afford it, lemme know. I have a ticket to donate.

Fundamentally Speaking

I know, I'm not a pastor or even the best example for saying something like I am about to say, but I believe it's important and most people don't even realize it.

I've been a Christian my whole life, born and raised. Made the decision to follow God when I was 5 or 6, and have grown up in a great Christian home and home church(es). However, I think the church has been getting to a point of too much acceptance. I know Jesus said to accept everyone no matter their faults and all that jazz, but isn't there a point where you should say "you know what, that isn't right". I'm not talking about those wackos who go out to Anti-Gay rallies and say "Jesus hates gays" because you know what, He doesn't. I was raised to believe and I know He loves everyone. But there has been this fundamental problem that people believe that once they turn to Jesus and accept Him as their Lord and Saviour, that their old behaviours are still allowed. Yes yes, you can ask to be forgiven and all is well and fine, but what about the younger generation. The ones that look up to the young adults and adults and say "I wanna be like them". What do they think when they see who they thought were amazing people and amazing role models, when their role models are going out partying, or even drinking. What does that say to a teenagers mind. I don't need to tell you, I'm pretty sure you can guess. I have been raised to act my best because I don't want people seeing me the wrong way. There is times I haven't been the best role model and done stupid stuff. Nobody's perfect. However, there is this thinking among Christians that we can accept behaviours that aren't necessarily... Christian-like.

In my opinion, when you make that decision to ask Jesus to be your Lord and Saviour, something needs to change inside of you. You have to say "No, that's my old life. I don't need to be doing that anymore." because like it or not, if you're in a church environment, your a role model for someone younger then you. I still remember that day when I was 5 or 6 when I asked Jesus to come into my life as my decision and not my parents, and I still remember the day I got baptized. These were life-changing moments for me, and my lifestyle reflects that. I try to treat everyone pretty well and equal (yes I have some friends which I trust more, but that isn't what I'm getting at), I don't drink, I don't go out to bars and party, I don't have sex with people I'm not married to (which, for the record, I have never been married). My whole point of this rant is, I know people want to do what they think is right and people have their own opinions on what is right or wrong, but if you're in a church environment and your not a teenager (or even if you are), you need to be thinking about who is looking up to you and what your actions might do as an effect in their lives. You also need to re-examine your relationship with God, because although it might be really great, if you didn't experience a life-changing event when your gave your heart to Him, it's time you thought about it more.

Also suds

Written Jan 25, 2010

Hey y'all.

Don't know how many people are actually reading this... but I've been feeling really lonely as a person lately. I mean, I have great friend and all, but it just seems... I dunno. It's hard to explain, yet we've all been in this position before.

On a good note, me and Kyle and TJ are starting to get DurrntBoddidlyDesigns up and running, and should be starting production of the "lint happens" shirts anytime in the near future - hopefully sooner rather then later. There has been a significant amount of interest in the shirts, and we made a Facebook fan page for it. We also have a questionnaire up and running for peoples opinions on the colour scheme for the shirts. By the polls, they will be black with white letters, hosting our DBD logo on the back left of the shirt for advertisement purposes. Cost should be around $16-$17 each, which really isn't that bad for a tee shirt. I'm really excited to see if this venture leads anywhere.

This past weekend I judged the FLL 2009 provincial competition here in Edmonton, which was amazing. Seeing all the kids with the robots they had designed and coded themselves was awesome and inspiring to see. I got to do the technical judging, which meant I got to actually look at the teams code and design of the robot, and assign them points based on that. We had some really enthusiastic teams and it was really a fun experience along with the other judges in my room (I can't remember their names though...).

Anyways, I'm tired and going to bed. Peace out boy scout.