I Still Miss You

My grandmother passed away. Left this earth less than two months after my grandfather (different sides of the family). My grandfather was 97. It wasn't unexpected. Things felt sad, sombre, but okay. My grandmother was 70. Two weeks before she died she was diagnosed with cancer. It feels unfair. I struggle with that feeling every day, and it still hurts. Thinking of her is still like picking at a scab that hasn't healed yet, and it starts bleeding memories into my mind that is overwhelming. I feel cheated. I feel wronged.

Time hasn't been able to heal this wound yet. I'm not sure how long it will take, either. I am at the point where I can share this publicly here, which is what I was able to share as part of her eulogy.

I don't have any exciting stories about grandma to share. But I do have many memories of her, and lessons that she taught me about being a better person. 

Grandma was always happy. Thinking about her, that's the thing I remember about her the most. In every situation, she always looked for the silver lining, finding the positive out of every situation and reassuring me that things would work out for the best. Seeing her beaming smile at my wedding a year and a half ago was a highlight of my life.

No matter what, she always supported me endlessly in what I was doing. She never made me feel like I was doing the wrong thing, unless of course I was misbehaving (I probably misbehaved more than she would let me know though). She made it a priority to do what I wanted to do, and she would always be there supporting me in it. She taught me a lot about love, and how to support those you love no matter what. That's something I will carry with me as an important lesson for the rest of my life. 

We spent a lot of time at their house on the farm over the years; Christmases, summers, spring breaks, I always loved being on the farm with my grandparents. I got to drive the gator around the yard as much as I wanted, pretending that I was a racecar driver. That attitude gave me a scar on my hand when I ran the gator into the shed one day. My favourite thing about being on the farm as a kid was that grandma had dessert on the table every day after supper. It was a big deal for me because we rarely got dessert at home. She loved spoiling us with that. 

They also taught me a good work ethic, always giving me jobs to do. Sure they were simple jobs, like washing the truck or mowing the lawn once I was heavy enough to not have the lawnmower shut off when I was the only one on it. Those jobs taught me a lot and helped form me into who I am today. 

The most important lesson grandma taught me was being a person that holds family close to the heart. In everything she did, family was number one. Every visit to the farm included not only visiting them, but visiting with the countless family members we have in the area. Those times created a lot of memories that will stay with me forever. Her lessons will live with me forever, and I will pass them on to my kids when I have them. 

I miss you grandma. I was blessed to have a grandmother like you. I hope I made you as proud of me as I am of you. I love you.

You were and are loved, you are and will be missed.

Reflection

Image courtesy Captive Beauty Photography

Reflecting on my grandfather's life after a great funeral service in Brandon on Tuesday. Listening to the stories told of him and his character filled me with so many emotions. His passing has brought out so many emotions in me that I never knew existed. I'm riding the roller coaster of these extremes and living in the moment of it all. I'm navigating a part of my life that is brand new, and not enjoyable, but I am sure I will be travelling this path more than once in my life.

Something my cousin said at the funeral that a trait all the cousins share is that we feel emotion deeply. Every emotion we have we feel deeply. Anger. Sadness. Joy. Sorrow. I'm feeling all of these things in so many ways and I don't know what to do with all of them. One of the most powerful emotions I have right now is pride. Pride in who my grandfather was. Pride in who he raised his kids to be. Pride in how his grandchildren have grown and turned out. Pride in my family, my heritage, and my future.

Image courtesy Captive Beauty Photography

My dad brought out some war memorabilia of my grandfather's last night at the hotel and was going through all of it, explaining what each piece was. One of the most interesting pieces was his old pay book he carried with him everywhere he went. It was basically details about everything he did, dental history, when he got each rank, courses he had taken, etc. The book was in tatters, but his writing was very clear. The story was told that he had rushed through a writing assignment in school and his teacher made him stay in from recess and lunch to redo it. From that point he vowed to never have that happen again.

This stubbornness has carried forward in my family, sometimes for the better and other times for the worse. I recognize my own stubbornness, and it can be frustrating, but there are points in my life where I would say that being stubborn has been good for me. I won't go into detail on these times, but I think I just wanted to say that there are positives and negatives to every trait that someone has. We all have our weaknesses, but those same traits are most likely strengths in other scenarios. We need to learn to find our strong points and work on our weaknesses.

Saying goodbye to my grandfather was tough, but knowing he graduated from this Earth brings me comfort. Thanks for everything, John. You have run the good race, you have fought the good fight, and you are a winner.